I'm sorry I'm too weak
by CrzA
Summary: When Todoroki has one particularly bad day, Endeavor's words won't leave him alone, they weigh on him with every breath he takes and they consume him. Weak. Too weak. He's wound so tight and he's so tired. That tension is bound to snap and take those around him with it.


Bad days happen to everyone, there's no doubt about it. But Todoroki Shouto thinks that just maybe his bad days might be a little worse than most others'. And by a little, he really means very much so. Which isn't to say that there's no one out there who has it worse than him, but really, when harsh blue eyes meet his, their icy gaze contrasting severely with the red-hot fire surrounding them… Well, it's not like he can really think about anything else.

And he's used to it, he is. But it's not like each time it happens it doesn't hurt. The flames lick at his skin, hot enough to burn but quick enough to leave nothing behind but an aggressive redness that he can easily quell with his ice. Sometimes he considers just letting it blister, especially when it's on his face so everyone can see what is being done to him behind closed doors. Perhaps Endeavor has done a good enough job to beat that kind of retaliation out of him though, because in the end, he always chooses to relieve his pain in silence.

It's not like today is any different. _It's just training_ , he says. _How do you expect to surpass-_

He cuts himself off at that. Old habits die hard Shouto supposes.

 _How do you expect to be better than all the others when you're this weak?_ Knuckles dig into his stomach forcefully and he chokes on the bile that rises to his throat, the thin fabric of his shirt burning to ash where the flaming fist hits him. _Defend yourself._ He tries, he really does. But how long have they been at this by now? He hates going home. Why can't he just stay at the dorms forever? Why can't he just-

He feels his body crash into the wall, somehow not even remembering when Endeavor hit him, but certainly feeling the stinging pain that spreads across his right side. He notices the frost sticking to the skin of his arm. He really tried to stop that one too. His vision is blurred and he's not sure if tears have sprung to his eyes unbidden or if it's the edges of consciousness closing in around him. It doesn't really matter though because the next thing he knows he's being picked up off the floor, feet dangling without purchase as he claws at the large hand around his throat.

 _That boy. All Might's protégé. The weakling. You're hanging around him too much, aren't you? You think I don't know what you're doing? He's making you soft. It needs to stop, Shouto._

Those words make him angry. He's not allowed to talk about Midoriya like that. He's not allowed to tell him they can't be friends. He won't let him. With a sneer rising to his lips, both of his hands wrap tightly around Endeavor's thick wrist and he summons the very last of his strength to both freeze and burn him at the same time. He doesn't even flinch, only tightens the grip on Shouto's throat and the boy sputters, struggling for breath. There's definitely tears now, out of frustration at his weakness. As much as it pains him to admit, Endeavor's right, he's still too weak. Too weak to beat him. Too weak to break free of him. His left eye is shut, probably swollen but he can't tell, his whole face is just numb at this point and his body is slowly shutting down. Still, he gives one last kick before the world around him fades to black, doubting the so-called number one hero even felt it but needing to do it all the same.

The next day Todoroki can't ignore the looks he gets even as he rushes towards his room, taking the stairs to the fifth floor when he sees Kaminari and Kirishima in the elevator, even though every muscle in his body complains at his decision. He feels the eyes on the back of his head when he ducks it underneath the hood of the sweatshirt he's wearing. He just wants to be alone. As soon as the door is closed behind him, he slides his back across it until he's sitting down on the floor, his head tucked between his knees as he simply breathes. In and out, once, twice, three times, nice and easy, steady and deep. His left eye is still squinted from the swelling on top of the scarred tissue that already surrounds it. His bottom lip is still puffed where it split from a particularly hard hit. His whole body just _aches_ and he's _just so tired_.

There's a knock on his door followed by his name. It's a familiar voice, a voice that belongs to one mossy haired boy Endeavor doesn't want him to see. That voice is laced with concern, especially when he asks if Todoroki's okay. He doesn't answer. He just sits there, pretending he isn't on the other side of the boy's calls. The thought that he's doing what his father wants him to crosses his mind. Doesn't he always in the end? Perhaps he's less rebellious than he believed himself to be. Maybe he's just Endeavor's well trained puppy after all.

He doesn't hear Midoriya leaving, he's already passed out before he feels the pain of his last thoughts.

He'd like to say that he'd have been late for their first class if not for Sero knocking on his door that morning, but like clockwork, at 5:30 in the morning, his eyes fluttered open. Programmed to rise early like an obedient robot. He didn't move until that knock though. He couldn't find the energy to do so until his classmate called him back to reality, back from thoughts of the days before, back from Endeavor's words.

In class, Todoroki ignored the joking comments on the state of his face, brushing them off with a simple shrug or a noncommittal hum. What he couldn't ignore was the fact that Midoriya didn't say anything. He just stared with a sad and _knowing_ look on his face. It made him want to hide, it made him want to stop those green eyes from analysing every fault on his features, every piece of evidence of his failure, of his weakness. All he could do was divert his eyes to his hands laying lamely on his lap. He flexed them, opening and closing his fists and feeling the soreness of his muscles. It was grounding, that dull ache. It gave him something to focus on other than the way Midoriya was looking at him. And yet it reminded him anew of the Endeavor's voice swimming around in his brain, telling him he's weak. He wants to say that he's lying but he can't, if anything that's the truest thing he'd told him.

He's too weak.

At lunch Midoriya comes to stand by his desk, fidgeting with the sleeve of his uniform's jacket. Against his better judgement he looks up at the boy's face, only to be met with the saddest look he's seen in those bright eyes since what happened at the Villain Alliance's hideout. _It's my fault for being too weak_ , comes bursting into his thoughts unwarranted.

"T-Todoroki-kun, are you okay?" It's a stupid question, Midoriya knows it, Todoroki knows it, but he asks it nonetheless.

"I'm fine." The mismatched eyes go back to staring at his desk, and he's not sure if he feels guiltier for such an obvious lie or the fact that the only reason it _is_ a lie is because he was too weak. Is too weak.

"A-ah…" Midoriya's shaky response feels harsh to his hears and Todoroki closes his eyes hoping he'll leave it at that. "You know you can talk to me, right?"

Through gritted teeth, Todoroki repeats his previous answer, although it comes out as cold as the breath that leaves his lips, hard and harsher than he really intended, but he can't take it back now. Midoriya flinches at his words, biting his lip and nodding silently before excusing himself to go catch up to Uraraka and Iida, probably. It's all Todoroki can do to not freeze the whole room as he lets his head fall to the desk and covers it with his arms.

Later that day they have combat practice and Todoroki wishes he could give an excuse not to do it. But even if he could he knows he wouldn't have, if anything because he didn't want to show his weakness. Just because Endeavor saw it and he admitted it, it didn't mean he wanted anyone else to see it. Not his classmates, not his teacher, not Midoriya.

When they're changing into their gym uniforms Midoriya stares wide-eyed at the large garish purple bruise that sprouts from around Todoroki's navel. He quickly turns away when he's caught looking and Todoroki hangs his head in shame, zipping the jacket up in silence. He feels guilty all over again when he hears a small sniffle coming from the other. If only he could've been strong enough to stop Endeavor. If only he wasn't weak.

Things are only made worse when he is paired with Midoriya for the day's exercise. One on one close combat, no quirks allowed. Simple enough, a test of strength that for all intents and purposes Todoroki had everything working for him in order to win. Years of battle practice that Midoriya had never had. Todoroki didn't want to fight him though. He didn't really want to fight anyone right now. And the way his friend was looking at him, still, wasn't helping the matter. Why did he look so sad? Why did he have to look so sad? If only he wasn't weak. He didn't want Midoriya to look at him like that, with _pity_ in his eyes.

 _Please don't look at me like that. I'm sorry I'm too weak. I'm so sorry._ He wants to apologise but he can't. The words stay in his head, dying there when All Might tells them to start, going around the pairs to supervise the fights and give directions for improvement.

Todoroki's body follows the motions like it knows what to do without him thinking about it. He effortlessly dodges Midoriya's punches at his head even through the screaming of his body to _stop, just rest_. It hurts but he can't stop, not when stopping means hurting more. If he doesn't fight back he gets hit worse.

But wait, this isn't it. He's at school, right?

Midoriya goes for his left side and Todoroki instinctively steps away, grabbing the wrist with his right hand and pulling forcefully then kicking at his opponent's back with his left leg. Midoriya falls forward with a huff and a groan and Todoroki whispers a small apology, offering a hand to help him up. The other boy takes it gracefully, a small _sad_ smile spreading across his lips as he assures him that it's okay.

"It's the point of the exercise anyway." Midoriya supplies helpfully. As true as that might be, he still feels like he doesn't want to do it. His body just acts on its own, muscle memory overpowering whatever desire to just shut down he might have.

As the mock fight goes on, Todoroki notices that Midoriya's deliberately avoiding his stomach altogether and he feels a confusing mix of fondness and anger. The first because his friend is obviously worried about causing him any more pain, the second… he doesn't know where it comes from. It worsens when Todoroki wobbles, possibly from exhaustion, perhaps from the throbbing of his head, leaving him open to be taken down. Instead, Midoriya simply backs away with _that sad look in his eyes_.

He's too weak and he sees it. Just like Endeavor sees it. Todoroki's too weak. _How do you expect to be better than all the others when you're this weak?_ Endeavor's voice sounds in his ears and he grits his teeth, clenching his hands to fists.

His vision flashes red and he moves again, lowering his body and going for his opponent's legs, who jumps out of the way. Without missing a beat, Todoroki twists on his heels and as soon as the other lands he directs a fist to his side, which he blocks with his arm then counters with a kick aimed at his hip.

Instead of moving out of the way, he grabs the leg and pulls in a similar strategy to earlier but not one to fall for the same trick twice, his opponent swings his body to land a hit to Todoroki's bruised stomach without thinking. The half and half hero chokes on a cry of pain and the ends of his field of vision darken. Midoriya moves to apologise but in Todoroki's ears what sounds is _He's making you soft_ and he feels _so angry_.

He wants to beat those words out of Endeavor. He ignores the hurt that shoots into his veins and charges forward, throwing a punch at his stomach. His hand is batted away but he doesn't wait to throw another at his head, which he blocks with his other arm. He doesn't give him time to counter, moving the arm out of the way with his other hand and going for his back. His opponent lets out a cry and he hears _It needs to stop_ but he won't stop until he's crushed those words with his fists.

Todoroki goes for his middle with a kick but his leg's shoved away by two strong hands so he throws punch after punch at his head, not allowing time for anything but blocking.

"Todoroki." His name rings somewhere at the back of his head but it's drowned out by the booming voice telling him that he's still too weak. _I'll show you weak, I'll beat you down until you can't say that anymore_. "Todoroki, slow down." He punches again, this time lowering his fists to the stomach and hears a choked gasp. It pleases him. "Argh, slow down!"

He doesn't though, not until the words stop. Not until he can't say them anymore. Todoroki feels his left arm heating up and his right slowly freezing. "Hey, Todoroki! Calm down! Stop!" _He's making you soft. It needs to stop, Shouto._ No, no, no, no! He goes for the legs to immobilise his target and finish him off but before his hit connects with them, he suddenly disappears with a gust of wind pushing against him.

A sheet of ice spreads out in front of him towards the blur of blue, shooting from the ground and hitting his opponent square on the side and sending him flying towards the gym wall, dragging the last few feet over the paved floor until he hits it with a sharp cry. It's only then that Todoroki notices that his voice is high pitched and soft, not loud and deep and threatening. It's only then that he feels the shocked eyes on his back, the silence hanging heavily in the room. But it's the green eyes that look at him, wide and wet with tears that spear through him painfully.

Todoroki falls out of his attack stance, his right side freezing the ground around him as he stumbles backwards, his chest aching terribly. He doesn't hear All Might's call of his name and he certainly doesn't hear Midoriya's when he runs out of the gym and towards the dorms. He trips on thin air, almost falling flat on his face a few times but regains his balance at the last moment, rushing towards the safety of his room where those eyes won't look at him. Where Midoriya can't see his shame, his guilt, his weakness.

When he finally crashes through the door he closes it, dropping to his knees with his forehead against it. His breath's ragged and uneven, whether from the run or the panic setting in his bones, he can't tell. His entire body is trembling and he's not sure what hurts more, his aching muscles or his frantic heart. His thoughts are scrambled and all he can think of are Endeavor's words and Midoriya's face. Those bright green eyes filled with sadness, with pity, with fear. Was it fear? Did it matter? He was becoming him. Hurting those around him. He was letting Endeavor win, letting him turn him into a mini improved version of himself.

Todoroki curls in on himself, tugging at his hair painfully and feeling his eyes begin to prickle and his chest clenching. He can't breathe, his chest feels heavy and his vision's blurred, no air seems to reach his lungs no matter how fast or how deep he sucks in his breaths. He's becoming his father. He's becoming everything he hates. He's too weak and now he's a monster like him too.

There's a soft knock at his door and, at first, he doesn't hear it beneath the harsh breathing and the loud thuds of his heart ringing in his ears. It feels like the world is caving in around him and all he can do is hide his face between his legs and wait for it to crush him until there's a voice on the other side.

"Todoroki-kun. I know you're in there, I'm coming in." The words only make his fear all the more unbearable.

As soon as the door creaks open Todoroki startles, crawling away from it with wide tear-filled eyes that meet calm emerald ones. He wants to tell him to go way or he'll end up hurting him again but all that leaves his lips is a miserable strangled whimper. He brings his hands to his face to shield himself from Midoriya's gaze, pulling his hair over his eyes to the point it hurts. But it's okay to hurt, he deserves this pain for inflicting it on others, on _him_. If only he wasn't so weak…

Rough hands brush against his arms and he jumps at the contact with a frightened gasp. _No, get away, please_. The words turn to ash on his tongue and he realises that his left side feels like it's burning while his right feels so cold that he's numb. And Midoriya's touching him.

He jerks his arms away from him and consequently away from his face and hair and he can't ignore the angry redness of Midoriya's palms. He feels guilt wash over him once more and sobs, curling into a tiny ball after dragging himself further from the other boy.

Despite the fact that he's got a fair height advantage on Midoriya, Todoroki looks so small right now. It makes Midoriya's heart ache to look at. He wants to make all that pain go away. He brings a hand up to Todoroki's head tentatively and he shies away from his touch.

The words 'I'm sorry' echo in Todoroki's mind but he can't get them out, all he can do is sob into his arm.

"It's okay. I'm fine." Midoriya whispers softly. He's not lying. He's probably got a few bruises, the palms of his hands feel a tiny bit raw from holding onto Todoroki's arms while his quirk acted up and his head is pounding a little. But he's fine. He's dealt with much worse.

Todoroki risks a glimpse at the other boy and finds him smiling at him. It's small, but it's encouraging. It's still sad, however. That sadness hurts him more than anything else. Before he can go back to hiding behind his arms, Midoriya scoots closer.

"You know you can talk to me, right?" He repeats the question from lunch and Todoroki feels the urge to tell him he's fine but even if he could get the words out it just seemed silly given his state. "I'm just worried about you. I…" He trails off and looks down at his lap, sitting cross-legged in front of him. "I don't like seeing you in so much pain."

That somehow sounds funny to Todoroki's ears. He's the one who hurt him, who used his quirk against him full force in an exercise that wasn't even supposed to make use of it. He's the one who was so focused on Endeavor's words he couldn't see who was actually in front of him. He's the one who's becoming his father. Midoriya shouldn't be worried about him. He wants to tell him that, but his throat feels tight and all he can do is choke on the harsh breaths that still rip through him.

"You look so hurt, Todoroki-kun." _It's because I'm weak._ "You don't have to be in so much pain." _I deserve it for becoming like him._ "I want to help you." _I don't deserve your help or your kindness._ "I love you…" _I'll just hurt you._

The last part was quiet and barely audible and it takes longer to register in Todoroki's muddled mind than it does for his thoughts to answer it. His breath hitches and his heart stops, eyes widening slightly and tears still streaming down his cheeks freely. Midoriya's looking at him with those bright green eyes, a sheen to them that tells him he's probably about to cry too. He doesn't want him to cry. Especially when it's his fault.

"I want you to love yourself as much as I love you." The first few tears trickle down Midoriya's freckled cheeks and it hurts because all he wants to say is that _You deserve so much better than me._ Because that means he wants him too. And it's not fair because how could he ever allow himself to love someone like Midoriya, someone so good and so wonderful, so beautiful. How could he ever think of ruining someone like him with his twisted and destructive personality.

 _I'm broken and rotten, you deserve better, someone that will give you what you need. You need to stay away from me._

It seems that in the end he always does what his father tells him. Maybe that's why he's just like him.

Still, he can't say it.

Midoriya leans forward and pulls Todoroki into his arms. He starts to struggle out of the embrace, his body temperature already fluctuating on both sides and then there are calloused fingers running through his hair and he stills. "You're amazing." The words tingle his ears as Midoriya whispers into them. "You're strong." _I'm weak._ "You're beautiful." _I'm rotten._ "I love you." _You can't._ "I love you." _You shouldn't._ "I love you." Todoroki sobs into Midoriya's chest, hands tightening against the boy's gym shirt. "I love you."

 _Me too._ He realises he wants to say it but he cries instead. "I'll keep telling you until you see how incredible you are. Until you stop looking so hurt. Until you feel like you deserve to be told, until you believe every word. I love you." Todoroki grips him tighter still, burying his face in Midoriya's neck.

He keeps murmuring the sweet words in Todoroki's ear, petting his hair gently and ignoring the sting of ice and fire on his skin underneath his clothes. He doesn't care if there's a burn or two. Not when the boy crying in his arms is in such a worse kind of pain. He'd endured broken bones for him, this was nothing compared to that.

"It's your power." Those words, they warm Todoroki's heart in a way he doesn't feel he deserves. "You're your own person. You're not him." It's as if Midoriya's read his mind and he's thankful, he holds onto to every word like his life depends on it. "I love you, Shouto."

He trembles weakly in Midoriya's hold, choking on a sob. _I love you too. I love you so much._ As if hearing him despite his voice being nothing but broken cries, Midoriya presses his lips to the top of his head with care. Todoroki feels him smiling into his hair and his heart squeezes all over again. "I love you, Shouto." _I don't deserve you._

His temperature steadies along with his breaths.

"I love you, Shouto."

He pulls back and looks into Midoriya's wet eyes with his own tearful and red-rimmed ones.

"I love you, Shouto."

 _I don't deserve you, but I'll work hard until I do._ Todoroki leans forward and presses his forehead against the other's, another sob shaking him to the core.

"I love you, Shouto."

Their lips meet for little more than a second. "I love you, Shouto." Midoriya hiccups, but he's smiling against his mouth.

 _Me too._

 **NOTE:** **I was struck with this idea one night and I just couldn't stop myself from dropping everything and writing it down. It was sort of an impulse vent-write and I sincerely hope that it's okay and you enjoyed it. If you have any feedback feel free to let me know, it's greatly appreciated ^-^**


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